it's just me here

Originally written on July 11, 2010.

i really did it this time
went to far again
pushed myself enough
until something finally snapped
i knew better
just wouldn't listen
to the signals
the obvious clues
not sure how i even made it
to the ER by myself
stupid really
hurt as i was
i drove myself
to the brink
now i'm in the ER
interesting place really
emergency room
open to all
who need help
all walks of life
some on the edge of it
some already past it
others with no good reason
then here i am
in need of repair
fix my physical
the rest is beyond hope
i overdid it
as i usually do
not the first time
likely not my last
too much of a not good thing
tore something in my back
far right lower
i didn't heed the warnings
that weren't clear enough to me
"ID and insurance info please."
"How can we help you?"
"When did you first notice this?"
questions on questions
"Where do you want me to begin?"
there are answers
maybe more than they want to know
or need to know
it was a few days ago
then i did this
and then after that
only to again
then on this day
it was maybe an hour ago
i felt it give way
to the gravity of it all
my back carrying the load
of too much
this is physical
so keep the mental out of it
it's my back
leave it at that
"Please take a seat,

we'll be right with you."

how to be comfortable here

it hurts to sit

it hurts to stand

how did i get out of my car

i look around

this is the ER

is this an emergency for me

no less than for others here

some clearly in the wrong place

seeking information

only to be directed elsewhere

to get it

this isn't the place

go down the hall then left

i drove myself here

that was dumb

but i'm tough

i can handle anything

high threshold of pain

throwing caution into the wind

i entered proud and tall

walking beyond that wall of pain

badly masking the grimace

sitting uncomfortably now

waiting

enduring

listening

not for my name

but for the life of the ER

it has a pulse

it breathes life and death

all is in slow motion

maybe it's me

as i breath deep and easy

controlling how i feel my pain

it's so easy with the physical

not so easy with the rest

i don't have an emergency

but i am hurt

pushed myself too far

muscle surrendered

body screamed enough

i lost this round

no need for a count

i need to be checked

maybe it should be my head

or maybe my heart

analyze the why

tap into that motivation

not here

this isn't the place for that

i know what's wrong

unlike with the rest of me

it's my lower back

it's just a pulled muscle

get meds for that

something for this

something for that

after a while you'll be okay

in time

they can't treat me now

not wise to take that shot

i drove myself

"Yes, I know!"

for now i'm in the ER

with all walks of life

some stretchered in

some walking like me

sitting

waiting

watching

listening

knotting up more

as the seconds tick away

i look around

realize once again

it's just me here

for a moment

that hurts more