I'm All In

Originally written on June 26, 2010.

well the cards have been dealt
God is sitting across from me
waiting for me
He has to know
He knows everything
yet He waits
patiently
calmly
He is far too relaxed
i look at the cards again
not a great hand
too much like me
my life
a couple of great cards
some lousy ones too
there's no rush
seems there is all the time in the world
maybe even the universe
no more cards
this is it
i take another peak
i want to scream
then only God will hear
whatever comes out
i open my mouth
a pause
"I'm all in."
that's it
everything i have
tangibles
intangibles
memories
even forgotten moments
everything
i put it all on the table
He smiles
not like He's won
like He knows
it is all i have
it's yours for the taking
i don't do good at these games
this game of life
i looked at my hand again
reaching out to find it
another hand
that hand
i know no other way to play
this game of life
deal me another hand
i'll give it my all again
everything
trustingly
implicitly
unconditionally
scared to death
i want to scream
louder than loud
so only God could hear
the words He chooses not to hear
not mine
ignores my pleases
laughing at the punch line
of my life
He gets the humor
hidden between the lines
of those moments
maybe i should laugh too
pretending that i got the joke
i could do it in a whisper
off as an aside
then He is sitting across from me
wondering if He should call
i'm all in
always have been
i gave all the love i had
dug deeper to find more
gave that too
thought it was my secret
and here He was in on it
never knew how deep i could go
gasping for air
it was harder to breathe
i've no other cheek to turn
didn't hide in plain sight
i stood there before
you and I and He
sitting there patiently
why doesn't He call or fold
what's He waiting for
i've nothing left to do
i gave you everything
it was always that way
i never folded
not my style
once again i look at my hand
there is no choice and He knows
i'm all in