Undertow

Originally written on April 7, 2011.

 

its pull is getting stronger
grabbing me by the ankles
pulling me under
even though i break free
me kicking and kicking
back to the surface
looking for the shore
it keeps clawing at me
the undertow of life
not the good that lifts
but the bad that sinks us
looking for the mae west
treading the waters
of these days
gasping for air
choking on the salty seas
where is the flashing beacon
the lighthouse of safety
like when i was a child
he towered over me
on that snowy day
in the alley
a cold dark night
windy and barren
lit only by the moon
half full
shivering along the fence
he reached out to me
picked me up
into his arms
brought me in
saved me
from the undertow
that night
warmed by the fire
and a blanket
as well as those words
"don't worry"
"you're going to be fine"
fine when it wasn't over
i would have to go back
only he and i would know
how i survived that night
i passed out
after the shivering stopped
no alley this day
but i am far away
treading the waters
avoiding the undertow
searching for the shore
fatigue taking hold of me
my arms aching
my mind wandering
finding an oasis in the sea
the sirens song
tempting me out
further and further
not this time
i am close to shore
wading with the sand
beneath my feet
arms outstretched
giving me balance
step by step
fingertips touching the sea
waves washing upon my back
trying to pull me out
i grab hold of something
even the third rail is better
than the undertow
gnashing at my heels
the tide is ebbing
on my hands and knees
spitting salt and sand
finding fresh air
the sun is searing
into a brand new day
the warmth caresses me
i am weak
there is nothing more
for me to give
a hand touches me
gently
beckons me to go on
i look up
unable to see
as the sun blinds me
the new day unfolds
there is no knowing
only doing and going
i avoided the undertow again
the illumination of today
warms my soul
i stand up
groggy
confused
lost
turning around
the waters are now calm
teasing me out
i've had enough for now
maybe i can build
something again
a new moment into tomorrow
far from the undertow