Words ...

Original artwork by me, done in March of 2011.

 Words. There are so many words out there. Good ones. Bad ones. Useless ones. Then there are those "big" meaningful words. Grateful is one of them. It's a pretty big word. Gratitude is another one. Then so is forgiveness. There are many words that connect with self reflection of the positive sort. I would toss appreciation into that mix too. No doubt others can toss their own meaningful words into the mix. 

Nine years ago, this coming Tuesday, is a big day for me. It was a bigger deal back then. On that day I made a sizable deposit to buy a house. The real estate market was crashing and home values were following suit. I had a great job, traveling to Europe, specifically Italy, on a regular basis. And earning enough that, after six and a half years in an apartment after a divorce, I could buy a house. 

Unlike many who purchased with "zero down", I actually put a lot down. So I bought my home, moving into it in April of 2008. It's a beautiful home, on the 11th fairway of a golf course. For the golfers out there, it's Pete Dye's first golf course. For me, it's a beautiful three bedroom ranch that I fell in love with the minute I stepped in the front door to look at it. It's my home as I Draganize it. Each year I've added another flavor of me into it. 

Then 14 months after I moved in, I lost that great job as the economy crashed and buried many. It took me a few months, but I did land a pretty good job as a Director with a company. That job only lasted 10 months. I was then out of work for 13 months. I began to suffer extreme stress as I figured out how to navigate a cruel world and watched my money shrink away. I became extremely resourceful, but the stress grew with the ticking away of each day. There's a word ... STRESS.

Eventually I swallowed my pride and took a job, but it was a basic job. I hated it! The income was barely 25% of where I was. In reality, it wasn't a job, but my life jacket. Something to generate more than the dismal unemployment I was about to lose. I was in survival mode. Another word, survival. It's amazing how creative you can be when you are fighting to survive. It is a fight. It's a fight with creditors. It's a fight with yourself. It gets so bleak, thoughts of suicide become a daily event. 

I hated that job! I became very resourceful with what money there was. Another word, resourceful. But it wasn't enough. I got behind in my mortgage. Late enough that I started getting those letters from the bank. Those letters that warned of foreclosure proceedings. I called and begged for understanding. I also called and sought options. What could I do? The letters were becoming more frequent. More threatening. 

Then in one call, the guy handling my mortgage believed enough in me. In my pleadings. In my honesty. He said there was a program that was set up by the federal government to help people like me. He gave me the information and I called them. I needed help. I learned they could help me. It wasn't a gift. I still had to contribute and pay a fair share, but they could help. On that day when I signed those papers, to get that help, I sat there, looked up at the man sitting across from me, his earnest eyes showing true compassion, I bowed my head down and cried. He sat silent, placing his hand on mine. I wiped away my tears. Sat straight up, and signed the papers. I will survive. I said thank you.

Unfortunately, even with that help, the job I had wasn't enough. For a moment at least, I wasn't going to lose my home, but the financial pressures continued. All the while I was looking for a better job. Something real and of substance. I did land that position. Though the income was not where I was once used to, it was an improvement. But it still wasn't enough. The chasm I was in was too deep. The mortgage assistance was not a forever deal. 

So I dug deep into my soul and made another gut wrenching decision. It still pains me to this day. I had to prepare myself for bankruptcy. I had to survive. I had to keep my home and somehow, whatever dignity I had left. By November of 2012, I got back to being current with my mortgage. The assistance was already done. In that same month, I went before a bankruptcy judge and agree to terms for a Chapter 13 filing. I was not running away from my debt. I used my impeccable credit rating to keep my boat afloat. I wasn't being malicious with my money. I had trimmed my expenses everywhere, to the barest of minimums. I was surviving and this was the last straw. It was also destroying me. Each day was an emotional train wreck. 

I cried a lot. I was very depressed. I honestly did not want to be here anymore. Yet I was also resilient (another great word). That job? I still have it. It's been wonderful. It's not just a job. I'm making a difference and using my experience in helping a company grow. In a few months, I'll have been there five years. My home? It's still my home. That bankruptcy? I'll pay it off, all of it! One hundred percent of it and seven months early. Money? I have nothing to speak of. No IRA, no 401K. Just a small savings account that hopefully will begin to grow now that I won't need to send a check to a bankruptcy trustee each month.

I've sacrificed much to be where I am this day. I've swallowed my pride in ways one can only imagine. Then I continued on. I have to survive. I'm also grateful. Overflowing with gratitude to those who've helped me. I'm especially appreciative of those who have stuck with me during these times. It's true. You learn who your friends really are when you fight through difficult times. It's amazing how many people want nothing to do with you. It's not been easy for me to accept that, but I have.

I may have swallowed my pride, but my honor is intact. My challenges are far from over. I have no idea what I will encounter tomorrow. But today? I've learned that I am one resourceful, resilient, grateful, appreciative, forgiving, humble and powerfully strong person. I embrace each day for the present that it is. I've learned things I never imagined I was going to learn. I also know that I've personally paid a price. The emotional toll has been heavy. I know it's affected me. Still, we'll see what words have emphasis in my coming days, weeks, months and years. Maybe this time it'll be love ...